Space Jam 2

A weekly sports column from the 100 Mile Free Press

The long-awaited sequel to 1996’s Space Jam is set to be released in 2021 and it has my head swimming with column ideas.

Can rabbits really play basketball? How different would basketball be if cartoon physics were real? When Michael Jordan came back from the intergalactic Moron Mountain, did he retain the properties of cartoon physics? Is that why he was the GOAT? Did Lola Bunny inadvertently create the furr… Nevermind, that last one might not be appropriate.

Well, obviously cartoon physics aren’t real and while Jordan’s talents are legendary, I doubt it had anything to do with Bugs Bunny or Moron Mountain.

I also had no test subjects to see if rabbits could actually play basketball on account that none of my friends would lend me one. I contemplated driving to Saskatchewan to see if I could catch a jackrabbit but if I’m being all that honest, I’m not that committed.

So all that was left to do was theorize on what the plot for Space Jam 2 could be.

My guess is that Mr. Swackhammer survived his blasting to the moon and somehow finds himself on the planet earth and not surprisingly ends up in Los Angeles, because who wants to watch a movie based in Cleveland?

Hellbent on getting revenge on Bugs Bunny and the Looney Tunes, Swackhammer somehow steals Blake Griffin’s talents while the LeBron James and the Lakers are playing the Detroit Pistons. He goes back to the Tune World, recruits a new team, and challenges the Looney Tunes to a game of basketball and beats them, creating the second incarnation of Moron Mountain Amusement Park and enslaving the rest of the tunes.

Somehow, Bugs Bunny recruits LeBron James, presumably by telling the 34-year-old baller that if he does this he will finally be recognized as being better than Jordan or something about fans in the Looney Tunes Universe not being as negative or unforgiving as the Cleveland press corps, to beat Swackhammer.

I don’t know, maybe Bugs Bunny just offered him more than $154 million.

In addition to Blake Griffin, Stephen Curry and Kyrie Irving will have cameos. Maybe Irving and LeBron will resume their beef on the court after Swackhammer recruits the former.

Alternatively, maybe it’s just a straight-up remake to see if James could do one thing better than Jordan…

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