My brilliant baby plan

A weekly humorous column by 100 Mile Free Press editor Max Winkelman

As I’m writing this, the baby is a week overdue. Sarah (my wife) and I have tried everything from frequent walks to tapping Sarah on the head like a ketchup bottle, but to no resolve. Even promising it the traditional Dutch name Joke (roughly pronounced yolk-eh without the “l”) if it came out on April first, stirred it not.

In the meantime, Sarah, at least from my perspective, seems to believe the baby doesn’t want to come out because she’s not found the right place for it to sleep yet. There are now a bassinet, a cradle, some sort of rocking baby seat (I think that’s what it is), two mobile cribs, some sort of raft and a MamaRoo. At least, that’s what there was when I left home this morning.

The cat’s taken a more religious approach, leaving three dead mice on our doorstep in a single day as an offer to the pregnancy gods, only to be foiled by the dog, who happily ate all three before the gods could get to them.

The dog in return, a collie, German shepherd, great pyrenees, bloodhound, whippet mix (by no means a small dog), has taken to sitting on top of Sarah in an attempt to squish the baby out.

So far this great collaborative effort has only drawn the honking mockery of the geese.

In the meantime, Sarah has started telling herself the baby is a lie or a figment of her imagination, largely I’m sure out of fear for a 10+ pound baby which are known to happen in our family.

Heifer logic dictates it should be born in bad weather but even the last remaining snowstorms did not bring forth a change to the status quo.

Personally, I think we’ve taken the wrong approach. I love spicy food, both of us like long walks and the dog mostly provides a warm “blanket.” With Pink Shirt Day long gone, my hypothesis is it’s time to bully it out; give it no reason to stay.

I think the best approach is to do all the things Sarah hates (which by association the baby should hate right?). Here’s my plan:

Feed Sarah mushrooms, beets and licorice

Frequently interrupt her and walk in on her in the washroom

Walk through the house with dirty shoes

Play video games all night long

Ignore the fact that the cat is pooping in one of the large plants

Leave breadcrumbs all over the counter

Eat chips in bed

I can feel that this is the mission I’ve been training for my entire life and just think how happy she’ll be once I cause the baby to finally come out!